Monday, January 14, 2013

Deported To Indiana

Oh, man, we are so sick of pigeons!  But apparently the "vanishing Chicago pigeons" (oh, how we wish) are a really big deal to CBS Chicago, who led off their Monday night newscast with the story that Uptown's pigeons are being kidnapped and deported to a farm in Indiana.  The whole story is here.  It's almost enough to make us yearn for the days when.... nope, scratch that.  Never mind.

If Indiana is gonna send Uptown its escaped fugitives (has anyone forgotten the night of the barricade situation that shut down the Red Line?  Thanks, Hoosiers!), then we think it's only fair that they take Uptown's pigeons in trade.  Kind of like a prisoner exchange at the Glienicke Bridge.

From what we hear, Pigeon Lady and Pigeon Guy are still making their rounds with bread and rice, so (slamming head on desk) we're sure there's going to be more to the story, eventually.

The part of the story that rang most true is that pigeons are classified as a "nuisance."  Sing it, sister.


  1. I've died and gone to heaven! I know, I'm surprised too. I thought I'd end up in hell with Shiller, JP Paulus, Limbaugh, most of the extended Daley family, and the 1919 Chicago White Sox. Oh, and most of my good friends from the Unfriendly Tower on Wilson.

    CBS refers to the Capplemaniac as the "Nemesis of all Pigeons". He's in for hell, but I have no doubt he'll stand his ground. The bird lovers will be marching en masse on his office.

    Then the whiners who don't believe in dealing with any issues except for whatever they are concerned with will chime in. Send them to Indiana too! I hear the Indianapolis 500 is very moving when Gomer Pyle sings.

    This is great. Exile or death, pigeons!

    To hell, or Indiana!

    To paraphrase General Sheridan "If I owned Indiana and Hell I'd rent out Indiana and live in Hell".

    Do we need to rent this farmer a larger truck?

    Hopefully this is just the beginning of the end for pigeons in Chicago. I love a win win solution for everyone. At least everyone who is not a friggin pigeon lover.

    May this example serve as a catalyst for Chicago and cities throughout the world to finally reduce their pigeon populations to 1 percent of the current numbers.

    I only want there only to be two pigeons left in Uptown and I want them to be scared and in the pigeon protection program. Ya know, dark glasses, overcoat, fedora, cigar in their beaks etc.

  2. Totally amusing story. But what is up with this? "Smith – no fan of pigeons herself – finds the whole enterprise unnerving, particularly in a distressed neighborhood like Uptown."

    I am sorry, but I can't call Uptown distressed.

  3. OMG the video is even funnier!!! JC - the nemesis of all pigeons!!!!!!! LOL.

  4. I was walking by the building on the SE corner of Foster/Sheridan (The building with all of the cab drivers). Of course, there were tons of pigeons... then I realized that bread pieces were falling from a window above.

  5. Could someone please put Mr. and Mrs. Pigeon-Feeder in a truck and send them to Indiana too??

  6. Can we send the pigeon feeders to Indiana too?

  7. @Scott...that building is literally falling apart and is bursting at the seems with rats and pigeons. While waiting for the bust on Foster I've seen water pouring out of wholes in the ceiling, chunks of fireproofing fall off, etc. The owner is a slumlord and the building is on borrowed time.

  8. That video is amazing!!! I love the grey-tinted, slow motion footage of "Cappleman, the nemesis of all pigeons!" Can we say, "Slow day at the newsroom, today?"

    This is a rather clever solution and more humane than what I believed the other options on the table may have otherwise been (and quick given the recent attention to the problems - El overpass, Pigeon Lady assault, etc). Thank you Alderman Cappleman!

  9. Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't pigeons kind of good at finding their way back home?

  10. @Alek,

    Are you saying that this is something more dubious than just a pigeon witness relocation program? That they are doing more than just taking them to the same farm out in the country that my parents took my childhood dog to after he broke his leg? And that Cappleman is the ringleader of this entire pigeon conspiracy? Maybe Pat Fitzgerald will get to the bottom of this.

  11. Well, think of all the new jobs for Indiana's blighted economy.

    1) Pigeon Sexer. You know you just can't put all those pigeons in one big cage. You know they're going to breed.

    2) Guano collector. An engineer I once knew told me that 5 geese make as much waste as 1 human, so I'm going to extrapolate and suggest 5 pigeons make as much waste as 1 goose. What will they do with all the pigeon guano?

    3) Bird Dietitian. After all that rich food poured on the sidewalks of Uptown, these birdies are going to have to slim down and shape up.

    4) Craft Consultant. Think of all the fun projects for the kiddies using pigeon feathers. Are you really sure those Mardi Gras masks with feathers weren't made in Indiana.

    5) Trainers. We have comfort dogs for people who have been traumatized, why not retrain these beautiful birds as comfort pigeons and give them to all the nut cases in Uptown so they can feel better about themselves. Their soft cooing can probably decrease one's blood pressure by a gazillion degrees.

  12. @ Ray

    I really just don't care what happened to the damn pigeons

  13. Cappleman spoke to Johnny Brandmeier on WGN regarding the evil pigeon situation. Start listening at about minute 55.

    It's actually quite amusing. Buzz Kilman was quite funny and is apparently a resident of our fine ward.

    Death to pigeons!

  14. Whooah! Some of the comments on the CBS2 site are insane!
    The real problems are the fools that feed the critters.

  15. Of course you won't publish this.

    The pigeons were picked up by a farmer for a pigeon shoot, all to be killed. He's had 4 different pickups.

    There is an article in the sun times today about the farmer

  16. It seems Cappleman was not the first Uptown alderman to declare war on our avian enemy.


    those are allegations. There is no proof the pigeons were used as target practice. Snicker.

    Frankly, I believe pigeons should be killed humanely and with extreme prejudice. Let's call it a license to kill pigeons.

    Double OO Pirate. Licensed to kill pigeons by the United Nations, MI6, the CIA, The Tea Party, the CTA, the City of Chicago, and various other governmental groups.

    Like Jeff Littleton I put the "mental" in governmental. Watch out pigeon farmer. In the Sun Times Jeff states he's on the case.

    I'm sure it will go about as well as your abortive aldermanic campaign in 2007, Jeff. Stick to your "art".

    It's good to see Jeff and Stu frothing from the ears thinking about this though. Keep up the good work boyos. Keeps ya off the street.

    As for Cappleman the only negative I see to this is the amount of time wasted by the media trying to have fun with the issue.

    The city has a bureau of rodent control and it needs to do something similar with pigeons.

    Rats are hard to kill. Trust me I did battle with a group of warrior rats once. I prevailed, but it made the D-Day landings look relatively bloodless.

    Months later I trapped the last rat and put his carcass on a replica of the USS Missouri I built in my basement.

    Pigeons......ah.....not so much.

    Throw out some feed and they fly into the trap. Toss an electrified net over them and more pigeons.

    Bring them to my place I'll use them as compost for my backyard garden. I'm thinking about adding some more trees this Spring.

    It's amazing. I love trees and hate rats and pigeons. I guess it balances out.

  17. oops

    Jeff's abortive aldermanic campaign was 2011.

    I regret the error and blame alcohol, mental illness, and my pigeon bloodlust for causing it.

  18. If this blows up into a bigger problem that keeps the pigeon population protected, I propose this for a solution: Jeff, Stu, and the Pigeon Lady and Pigeon Man all be confined to living in the Middleton Memorial Art Center--and be sentenced to keeping the Center's exterior and surroundings spotlessly clean, 24/7. Not only would the pigeon population decline precipitously, but we would likely never hear a peep from the four of them again. :-)

  19. I think Jim Perdue should take this on. If he could perfect a 7-pound chicken, we'd have another choice at the grocery.

    Before you balk, chickens are filthy, too, and their feces also carry disease. Oh -- and they used to fly -- until we bred them for larger pectoralis muscles.

  20. Perhaps the Capplemaniac is outnumbered. I mean Littleton himself has at least 3 or 4 personalities. We may need to learn from the Tao of Tom Lehrer and deal with the pigeon menace ourselves.

    My granddad Paddy O'Festus O'Flanagan McTool used to kill rats by soaking a piece of bread in oil.

    I have some experiments to conduct as soon as it gets warmer.

    Here pijey pijey pijey. Yummy, black bread. See how good it tastes. Mmmmmm.